New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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