I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i barfeds in our rink
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
