took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
