I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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