Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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