how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
