New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
