I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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