I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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