i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The uberlube is also flammable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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