Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You were trust falling into bushes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
