When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
