I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
