she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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