Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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