So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
