yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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