Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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