I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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