There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
