I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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