she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
