Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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