1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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