Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
