Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
