last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
