What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
