I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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