I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
