I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
