we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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