I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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