I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
