I wish my penis had an off switch
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
