Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
