you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
