Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
