I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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