Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
