he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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