My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
