I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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