Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
