Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
