I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
