ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
