I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
