it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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