i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
