Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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