Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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