my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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